JOM may be out of town for the Sub 9 Gravel Grovel, but the rest of the Gainesville, FL nutters that partake in the dirt, gravel and limerock scene, got a ride in.
BHT (Big Head Todd) presents…
THE WEDNESDAY REPORT – 11/26/2014
The Ride: Bistro/Embezzlers (Are the Lowest Form of Life)
The Conditions: High humidity, temps in low 50s.
The Cast: Dr. M.S. Gunnah, K-Dogg, Dr. Pain, PfaffDaddy, PfaffJunior, Die Fraulein, BHT, and NatureBoy
The (IL)Logic: After race officials canceled Tuesday Night Worlds due to dangerous conditions, the Bistro Ride assumed a new status in the quest for overall series points. Several inches of rain meant a lot of online pre-ride discussions about probable conditions in the Bog sector and the standard K-Dogg query: “Am I going to die?” Dr. M.S.G. was making early noise about doing two laps of his course, or 50 miles. BHT refused due to the impending holiday. K-Dogg refused due to the annual Mrs. K-Dogg ride in the morning. NatureBoy refused on general NatureBoy principal. Nobody else said anything. With only Dr. MSG and BHT knowing the route, and everyone else completely clueless, things could get interesting.
Sector One: Everybody had arrived warmed up except K-Dogg and BHT, which immediately proved a bad plan as sector one began about 300m from the start. The group avoided an emerging sinkhole as it headed onto Chain Gang Trail. DR. M.S.G. immediately jacked the pace and K-Dogg could be heard to mutter something vulgar followed by a reference to Piggy’s Revenge. Despite being a holder of tribal knowledge, BHT overcooked the chicane and had to fight his way out of the weeds just to stay ahead of K-Dogg.
Sector Two: While the Monster Truck section of the Bog had been recently filled with fresh limerock, the 10,000 Lakes were still waiting for the group. Regardless of line, everyone’s feet were soon wet although nobody stopped for a full Belgian Pedicure and momentum continued unchecked.
Sector Three: The group took the Parker Road CX track at a moderate pace, probably due to lack of a visible way forward, until the two Drs. conversed and Pain launched a hard attack up the sandy incline prior to turning onto…
Sector Four: Embezzlers is composed of that special variety of sugar sand that is powdery dust when dry but something akin to drywall compound when very wet. And it was still very wet. Hard tempo continued nevertheless on the front and BHT “sat up” to wait for K-Dogg who was off the back, presumably fiddling with his GoPro. They soon came upon PDaddy and several others stopped for a mechanical. Being the only member of his team in the all-night break, BHT rolled right past and headed toward the two Drs. up the road. Turns out PDaddy hit a root or log and broke his DR cage, resulting in only a single gear. He somehow made it to the end of Embezzlers and headed for his car via the Archer Braid.
Sector Five: Embezzlers South still had that pesky tree down but was otherwise rather uneventful as “road” debris kept the pace moderate. That respite however was immediately followed by the Blueberry Road chipseal which found the group sitting on Dr. MSG’s wheel at 25mph. Surprise! As we moved onto 346 the 2 Drs. and PJunior rode off the front and the “going short group” let them go.
Sector Six: Jordan Glen Road onto Archer Lane saw the group chasing the 2 Drs. But they turned left and were never seen again as the remainder headed for home on Archer Lane. Still suffering from overdoing it at a conference last week, BHT (and his tribal knowledge) was dropped and instead of continuing onto the Trail of Tears the group rather foolishly returned to Parker Road and (gulp) headed back to the Bog.
Sector Seven: Apparently the Bog is somehow wetter west to east. K-Dogg (the director) was setting up action shots but the actors quickly rode away from his camera leaving only the producer (BHT) to provide all the action footage. K-Dogg had strict instructions from Studio Mogul (JOM) to film as much carnage as possible. In his case, that would typically mean 3-5 minutes per hour of event. So stay tuned – video forthcoming (or not).
Recovery Beverage: Sixpoint Bengali (Silo Can)